Review of Andromeda Klein by Frank Portman

I would like to be able to say I loved this book by the author of one of my favorite books, King Dork, but the truth is that I loved some things about it. I’m certainly glad I read it, but I wonder how many people can get through the overwhelmingly slow pace and vast amount of arcane information about tarot cards, and the history of the occult and magical literature that the book is filled with. The main character, Andromeda, is so unusual and fascinating: she has osteogenesis imperfecta, a condition causing extremely fragile bones, and, as Andromeda explains, most people fail to realize that you hear with your bones. So, the text is peppered with the things Andromeda thinks that people say, often to hilarious result (stained flowers=strange powers, steak antlers=snake handlers, slam sex=slant six). The other lingo is a little harder for me to follow ( but is probably clearer to teens). It’s made up of word substitutions based on predictive spell corrections in texting.

Other things I love about the book:

1. That Andromeda’s cat is named Dave, and has “his own, unknowable cat religion, centered on the concept of unquestioning Dave worship…”

2. That Andromeda’s mom, who she calls “the mom,” plays an online networking game obsessively,and has been known to chant, “I can’t get on the network. I can’t get on the network. I can’t get on the network.”

3. That Andromeda’s dad, who suspects the government of" “spying on American citizens by implanting surveillance devices in electronic products,” periodically switches his antidepressant based on what free samples the clinic is giving out.

4. That Andromeda’s friend Rosalie regularly hacks into the mom’s computer game and messes things up for her. She also drops off packages filled with strange combinations of items (flip-flops, stapler, stick of gum, pinecone) when Andromeda isn’t home.

The thing I most didn’t love about the book is the ending. All of those elaborately set-up situations in the book that I couldn’t wait to find out the resolutions to were just dropped at the end of the book. Who was the older lover (or non-lover) Andromeda was involved with and was the relationship really as creepy as it seemed? Is she really communicating with spirits or is she insane? I think I’ll just forget about the ending and keep wondering about the things I was wondering about. Review by Stacy Church